


Not Around

by Poisontree



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:47:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26248927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poisontree/pseuds/Poisontree
Summary: A story of love found amidst war, of loss, betrayal, hurt, and hopelessness. A story of a woman who gave all she was to a man who could not have her. A story of a man who, despite his better judgment, opened his heart. A story of a man who only had eyes for a woman who would never be his. And most importantly, a story about healing a pain she never thought possible to mend.A story focused on Solas, Ellana, and Cullen. On the pains of Solas's departure, and the slow healing of Cullen's steadfast support.
Relationships: Female Lavellan/Cullen Rutherford, Female Lavellan/Solas
Comments: 4
Kudos: 4





	1. Journal Entries

**Author's Note:**

> I have no clue how long this bad boy is gonna be, nor can I promise regular updates. But I will say that it's been swimming around in my head for a long time now, and it's gonna hurt just as much as I hope it makes you smile. This one is for all the Solavellan romancers who felt that ending deep and want something more than the Din'anshiral. A more likely path for Lavellan to take than somehow changing Solas's mind, and a more pleasant one than having to kill him, or destroy the world to be with him.

When I first laid eyes on him, I felt a connection. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but it's true. I never believed in anything so silly as soul mates, or love at first sight, but there was something about him that sent my heart racing. Perhaps it was the sad way his eyes sat upon his face, or the dark circles contrasting fair skin. Maybe I saw something in the pattern of his freckles - our names, our future... no, I doubt _that_. Likely it was that he was the first elf I met among the horde of distrustful humans. There was a camaraderie there, even more, there was a sort of shock when his hand touched my wrist. I told myself it was magic, the lingering effects from a spell, but I soon decided better.

We talked for hours in Haven, I was so fascinated by his tales of the Fade, and of Spirits. Our clan's keeper never shared such things with anyone other than the first, and certainly it would be a waste of time trying to explain magic to a hunter like myself. But I was always curious. I always wanted to learn. We passed ruins and artifacts galore in the forests of the Marches, but such things were not for me. I was to keep to my arrows and my skinning knives, I was to keep food in our bellies and pelts on our backs. But with Solas, there were no such demands. High hopes, certainly for the Humans' Herald of Andraste and the only one capable of sealing the Breach in the sky, but I felt a sort of freedom with Solas I had never felt anywhere aside from the thickest of forests and the tallest of trees. He was as brilliant as the sun, and as breathtaking as the stars on a clear night. He captured my attention immediately, and my affections not long after. Truly, I felt at home with Solas. He taught me so much, and I will _never_ forget the magical conversations and experiences we shared.

\- The Journal of Ellana Lavellan

* * *

She may never believe that I never planned this to go so far. I loathed her at first, she was just as much at fault as Corypheus, after all. She stole what should have been mine, and although she was invaluable in recovering my Focus, she took so much more. She captured so many of my thoughts, both waking and in sleep. My attention was so thoroughly divided between her, and my duty... I had even for a time considered abandoning my people for her. I wanted nothing more than to share all I knew of the world and our people with her. Nothing, except her at my side for all time. I slept for so long, and it took only a few short weeks for me to feel yet again like I was in Uthenara. She was a vision, more attractive and tempting than any Desire could hope to be. 

I never wanted to hurt her, though I knew our love could only end in pain. I could not take Thedas's hope and twist it to join my army. She had a duty to the world I awoke to, and I had a duty to the world I destroyed. Even now, I still think of her. The gentleness of her hair falling so softly over her shoulder when she tilted her head listening to me ramble on about the Fade. The sparkle in her eyes as she stole glances of me when she thought I wasn't looking. The soft curves of her face, shoulders, and hips when we embraced. And more than that, the most beautiful song of her laugh at my poor attempts at humor. Her voice saying my name so sweetly. Solas... with her, I could be Solas. I could lay down Fen'Harel. Lay down responsibility and duty and fear... I could be free.

\- The Journal of Fen'Harel

* * *

She was so strong from the first time I met her. She faced all of us with defiance and pride, never once betraying the fear she must have felt as a prisoner surrounded by unfamiliar warriors. At first, we saw her as a threat. The most likely culprit. Within a matter of days, she became our Herald, our hero, and our only hope. As a Dalish, I can only imagine the distrust she felt toward us Humans and how easy it would have been for that distrust to turn to hatred. I heard the whispered slurs, the pointed glares, even stopped a disgraceful _prank_ or two. But I should have done more. I shouldn't have been so hard on her for her decisions when she was our agent. I should have been more supportive, more attentive. I should have been there for her as a friend from the start.

It made sense that she was so drawn to Solas - he is an Elf like her, and not nearly so... rambunctious as Sera. Why would she have given me the time of day, particularly when I was so thoroughly distracted by training and recruiting, paperwork and planning? And then Corypheus attacked. She stood. She was willing to _sacrifice_ herself for us. The people who were prepared to condemn her to imprisonment or execution. She fought for us, all of us, with such grace and determination. There was a fire in her eyes, that night, and I had been terrified it would be forever extinguished. When I found her in that blizzard, I all but tripped over my own feet trying to get to her. Mother Giselle and the healers cared for her, but I longed to aid them in any way possible. And then we arrived at Skyhold, and I saw the excitement in her voice as she asked if I had seen where Solas was settling in. I should have said something sooner, but instead I simply directed her to the chamber below the library with as neutral a tone possible. Had I known the pain he would cause her, I would have cut him down that same day. I would have confessed my feelings, no matter how foolish it made me seem. I would do anything to go back, to save her innocence and excitement. To bring as much light to her as she brought to the world. To me.

\- The Journal of Cullen Rutherford

* * *

I should have known. He had ended things between us so long before we faced Corypheus, after he took the markings upon my face. Cole was right... bare-faced. He stripped me of all I was, all I knew, and left me. Alone. I was never the same after that, though I tried so hard to hide it. I became more reckless in all ways in the hopes that he would come to my aid. Heal me of my pains both physical and emotional. But he didn’t. He maintained a respectful distance, ever the gentleman, Solas was. And then he left me even more alone. I didn't know if I was glad of the distance or not, I still don't. Those two years were the most difficult of my life - the Breach, Corypheus, all of it felt so simple compared to the battle in my heart. He called me Vhenan. Why would he tear his own heart out like that? 

When I finally found him again, I _begged_. Var lath vir suledin, I told him. But it wasn't enough... he wished it could. Why couldn't it? Why can't it? Why am I not enough for him? He took my joy, my sun, my stars... he took my arm. My bow lay useless at my side when they finally caught up to me. I still remember the way they stood in silence at me when they saw me there, kneeling on the ground with my eyes dead set on the dull Eluvian before me. They didn't see the tears in my eyes, nor could they see the broken heart shattered in my chest. I made sure of it. The Ellana Lavellan that had hope was gone - that was all they knew. Their friend, their _leader_ was forever changed. I proved that by disbanding the Inquisition permanently. Most left, but some remained by my side - promised to aid me in saving Solas from his journey of death. Din'anshiral... I refused to believe it, and so did Cole. So did Cullen. So did Leliana. The four of us are all that remain of the Inquisition's inner circle, and together we will press forward. We will protect the world, and our friend, no matter the cost. 

\- The Journal of Ellana Lavellan 


	2. Nightmare and a Dream

"Vhenan, please don't do this. We can go back, we can be together. If you cannot stray from this path, let me come with you. I told you I cannot bear the thought of you alone, and the truth is I cannot live without you at my side."  
"Ir abelas. I must continue down this path, and you must continue down your own. I do not regret our love, I only regret that I could not avoid the inevitable betrayal. Would that I could be with you, vhenan. I will never forget you."  
"No!" I reached for him with an arm I forgot wasn't there, and even so I could feel his ghost fading to dust between my fingertips. "Solas, please! Ar lath ma, I cannot stay strong without you!" But he didn't hear, or he made an impressive show of leaving regardless. All that remained was a faint blue glow falling to the grass and the distant smell of the forest. I crumpled to the ground, tears flowing freely, even as my gaze remained fixed on the place he once stood. Not even a shadow remained, nor a sound. Only echoes of what once was, and a deep darkness representative of what could have been.

* * *

I wake, as always, in a sweat. My lips sting from where I spent my sleep biting down, though I don't taste blood which is a small blessing. My arm aches, but I pay it no mind as I sit up in my bed, hair falling over my face. There's no light in my quarters aside from a single candle well on its way to burning out, which only tells me that I didn't sleep long. I never sleep long.

"This may be a foolish question, but... are you alright?" His voice is gentle, like a blanket in the harsh Ferelden winter. He wants to soothe me, though I've told him a hundred times that I'm fine. Cole must be talking to him. I sigh despite myself and push the hair away from my face with my hand.  
"Thank you, Cullen... I'm fine. A bit warm, I suppose. It's still strange staying for so long anywhere other than Skyhold." I know he can hear the exhaustion in my voice, even if he can't see it on my face in this lighting. I can see him, though - the way his brow seems permanently furrowed as he looks at me. Searching for something. A sign of weakness, I can only assume. He'll find none.  
"I see." He finally caves, expression softening from intense worry to the more normal concern. "Should you ever require anything-"  
"You're only just down the hall." I cut him off, though it's in good nature. I've heard the same line from him a dozen and one times now. "I know. Thank you, Cullen." Once, I would have told him I don't need any keepers, but between him and Cole, I feel as though my commander and companion have become more akin to mothers than anything else.  
"You don't need to thank me, Inquisi-- ... Lavellan. It may not be my duty as commander to ensure your physical safety any longer, but as your friend... I care about your well-being. I'm no spirit of compassion, nor am I as graceful with words as Leliana, but I will always be here should you need anything." I can see the reassuring smile on his face, and although I still hear Solas's voice in the deepest part of my heart, it's comforting to have Cullen's company. There's something about the way he so earnestly cares that I can't help but find endearing. It's impressive that he's able to stay so positive even after his own ordeal weaning off lyrium. I'm proud of him, proud to call him a friend.  
"As you wish, _Commander_." A little jab in response to him nearly calling me Inquisitor again - those days are already a month behind me. "I trust that I'll see you at dawn for training?" He stands, bowing slightly as he does so.   
"Naturally. Cassandra will be joining us as well. Leliana received a raven with a message that she's traveling in search of more recruits for the Seekers, and was able to convince her to stop by for a day. I know it's further Templar training, but I'm certain she'll be able to offer helpful insight." I smile despite myself - Cassandra had been the first Human I was ever able to call a friend. We didn't always see eye to eye, but she treated me as an equal, a comrade in arms, and never saw me for my pointed ears or valaslin.   
"It will be good to see her again... I shall do my best not to be late after my meditation. Good night, Cullen. I would assure you that I won't need a keeper, though I'm certain Cole will watch over me regardless."  
"He worries for you, as do we all, Lavellan. He more than any of us knows how..." Cullen trails off, likely stopping himself from mentioning Solas. "Well. He's the best equipped of any of us to help you." Cullen moves to the door, glancing over his shoulder one last time to where I sit upon my bed. "Sleep well, Ellana."

I watch him disappear into the dark of the night, and I can't help but compare it to my dream. The same way Solas faded... I raise what's left of my arm, staring at the scar where it was removed above the elbow. I know there was no choice... I know Solas did all that he could to save it, yet even so, I will never again feel the gentle wooden curve of a bow. The tension of the string fighting as I pull it. The rush as I loose an arrow that flies true. I sigh and feel tears stinging at my eyes yet again, though every time I feel as if I surely must not have any more to cry. 

It's only a brief moment before I sense a familiar presence in the corner beside my bed, and soon a cool hand rests atop my head.  
"We're going to help you help him. You aren't alone, they won't let you be. You stay strong, stone to show them you're still you." His voice is so gentle and calming, I can't help but feel soothed. "You don't have to be so strong all the time. We want to help, and showing your hurt doesn't make you weak."  
"It doesn't feel that way, Cole. They still need the Inquisitor to save the world." I see his hat flop as he shakes his head, and _feel_ more than see the smile in his voice.  
"They don't need anything. They want their friend to be okay. But you need sleep. Do you want help?" I used to feel guilty, but I know Cole only wants to help, and he does.  
"Yes, thank you." It's so easy, I lay back and he places a hand on my shoulder. That's all it takes, and I sleep soundly until the first light of dawn - dreamless and peaceful. Cole must have known I would need him, that's why he came with us instead of going with Solas. Solas. My vhenan.

* * *

Cole stands from beside her bed and looks over her one last time. She's sleeping well, soft and safe, surrounded by as much comfort as Compassion and the Commander can offer. He leaves the room as quietly as he came in, but the Commander never really left.

"How is she?" Commander asks, trying to hide his own hurt. He aches for her, for her hand, her heart, but mostly her happiness. He would give his own if it meant hers back. Cole smiles softly.  
"Tired and torn. He came to her dreams again." Commander's heart swells with anger, underlied with jealousy. "She calls him, and he answers. They're both hurting, but they'll be alright. He has his duty and his people, and she has us and you."  
"Us and _me_?" He's surprised by that, why is he separate?  
"Your care goes deep... beyond wanting to help, you want to _heal_ her." Cole's head tips to the side slightly, it's so obvious. "You care about her heart, not just her health. You're one of us, but more than us. You help more than you know." And with that, Cole leaves the Commander in the dark with his thoughts and his love. Cole hopes they can help each other. They deserve it.


	3. Training

With the dawn, I rise and stretch. I'm already late, I know, but before my training with Cassandra and Cullen, I have my own personal training to do. I stand from the bed and face my window - face the sun - and raise my arms... arm in greeting. I close my eyes and focus on my breathing, the steady and gentle thumping of my heart. Once my thoughts are clear, I continue my meditation. It's strange to continue my prayers to the Pantheon knowing what I know now, but I can't help continuing to believe the Evanuris was an important part of our culture. Where once I spent a great deal of time praying to Mythal, now I find myself silently speaking to Fen'Harel. Thanking him for his rebellious spirit, and for guiding us out of our blindness. I'm sure he would loathe such a thing, but this small rebellion of my own brings a small amount of joy to my otherwise somber ritual.   
  
It will be a long morning of training with Cassandra, I know that much. She's brutal, just as relentless as Cullen without the blatant soft spot for me. I smile gently to myself as I exhale the held breath and lower my arm, returning myself to my center, my energy to the ground below me. I'm getting better with a sword, though I know I have a long way to go.   
  
When I leave my chamber, it's after a brisk scrub of my hair - long and wild, no longer do I put in the effort to tie it back aside from combat. It dangles in front of my eyes, still wet, and as I lift my hand to move it, I walk well and fully into a wall with a resounding "Oof." How embarrassing, perhaps I should've called for Cole's help sleeping sooner, a full moon's passing should have been plenty enough time to memorize the layout of this old house.   
  
"Oh, Lavellan! I'm terribly sorry, I didn't see you. Are you alright?" The wall speaks to me with a kind Ferelden accent, and I nearly scream in terror. A demon possessed wall? And yet I maintain some semblance of composure with only surprise and shock prevalent as I finally push the hair from my eyes.   
  
"You're no demon wall... good morning, Cullen. I'm fine, though it seems neither one of us is fully awake yet. Are you ready for training? If not, I'm certain I could offer Cassandra an excuse on your behalf."   
  
"Demon wall? Well, I'm ready, I assure you." He chuckles softly, the light catching his blue eyes giving him a youthful appearance. He truly looks so much better these days, free of lyrium. "I was just on my way, in fact. Walk with me?" I nod, and allow him to lead the way so that I can begin tying my hair back unperturbed.   
  
"Don't worry about it. In any case, you know you don't need to stand guard over me while I sleep, Cullen. I'm in no danger of possession, and I pity any assassins who come this far into the wilderness in search of a one-armed archer." It's easier to joke about it, easier to pretend it doesn't bother me than it is to avoid talking about it entirely. I'll never hunt again. I used to hate hunting, I longed for magic - the chance to be the First, or even the Second, and to learn even more about the Fade and our history. Now I think I know too much, and I would give almost anything to return to the simple pleasures of archery.   
  
"Yes, well... forgive me, but I can't help the protective instinct. I know you're fully capable of defending yourself; you've bested me in a duel once already, I just..." he stop himself with a sigh, as he so often does when he's trying to remain calm and neutral. "It can't hurt to be careful, I feel. Although if you'd rather I not watch over you, I understand why it might be uncomfortable to have someone standing over you as you sleep."   
  
With my hair finally tied back, my hand is free to rest on Cullen's shoulder. He pauses in his stride to look at me, and I offer him a smile - weary though it may be. "It's not uncomfortable for me, though I can't imagine it's very comfortable for you. Let Cole watch over me at night if you insist on me having a guard. You can watch over me during the day." He smiles back with a small nod, gently patting my hand before continuing.   
  
"As you command."   
  


* * *

  
  
She looks so tired, though she does a worthy job masking it with her energy and jests. No amount of verbal reassurance can convince me she feels anything other than exhaustion aside from despair, and perhaps frustration. I wish there's something I can do to help. She says the sword training is worthy, it keeps her busy and focused between mine and Cole's training. She appreciates my company, when we play chess and gather herbs to mix for her healing. She works so hard, even now, for the sake of others. It breaks my heart.   
  
As soon as we're outside, I hear a battle cry and see something come charging at my side toward Ellana. "Stand back!" Is all I have time to shout before moving between her and whatever approaches, my shield raised in preparation of taking the hit. When we collide, I temporarily lose my footing and see a sword swing toward me, but Ellana's ready with her own to block it. Her movement is clumsy, and it sends the sword falling from her hand. I hear her curse, but our attacker is moving to take advantage - turning her attention to Lavellan.   
  
Momentarily, I feel nothing but rage as I mimick our foe, charging with all of my weight at her. Thankfully, it's enough force to knock her to the ground. It's only when my sword is aimed at her neck that Cassandra holds her hands up, smiling proudly. "I yield." She says, and I return her smile, sheathing my sword to offer her a hand up. When she stands, I half expect Lavellan to meet her with a friendly embrace. Instead, I turn to see her move to retrieve her sword, some brown hairs falling loose from the string thing it back as she leans forward to pull the thing loose from the dirt. She looks... angry.   
  
"What what that, Cassandra?" I was right. Definitely angry. My shield is returned to my back as Cassandra sheathes her own sword and shield.   
  
"An ambush. You were barely prepared, and your grip still needs just as much work as your posture. You must stand firm, even without a shield, you must be prepared to take a hit. If you've no shield and no sword, you're as good as dead." Cassandra is as brutal as ever, I think to myself as the friends approach each other. Her gloved hand is on her hip, pose defiant and strong as she lectures her former leader. "You're lucky to have Cullen here. I would have easily cut you down, otherwise."   
  
Lavellan seems, for a moment, ready to explode in anger. Her deep brown eyebrows furrow, lips purse as I can only assume she bites the inside of her cheek... and then she sighs in relief and smiles. "I think I need a lighter sword... and a few more of Cullen." And then they hug, brief though it is, and I loose a sigh of my own. I'm not certain I'll ever fully understand women.   
  
"Then you're lucky I thought to bring you some extra arms and armor. You still need to adjust to heavy armor, though I commissioned a blacksmith to craft you something fairly similar to what you're used to, though it's far from Dalish in make." Cassandra disappears behind a few trees for a moment, then returns with an armored beast of a horse equipped with a pair of rather full looking satchels. Lavellan and I close the distance just as Cassandra reveals the contents of the satchels - various pieces of armor, and a new-looking sword and shield.   
  
"A templar shield without an insignia?" I reach for it eagerly, admiring the weight and feel while Lavellan takes her new sword, giving it a few test swings.   
  
"Another commission, although that was a trial for a new shape for the Seekers. It was the most reliable of those produced, and more will be made in the coming months as I bolster our ranks, but I wanted you to have it, Cullen. In the case that any mages attack, it should serve you well." I offer her a smile in thanks as I set my old shield down to properly test it.   
  
"Thank you, Cassandra. I'll have to give you something for your next visit in exchange." Not that I can come up with anything quite so worthy as this shield, though I'm certain she knows as much and considers the sentiment over the value. Meanwhile, Lavellan clears her throat.   
  
"I believe we have some more training to do? Come, let us make haste to the dummies." And off she marches toward the nearby marked trees in all her pride and readiness. Her diligence is impressive, even more so now.   
  
"I believe that was an order, commander." Cassandra smirks at me, then follows not far behind. I fall in step last, grateful for our friend's visit. It's doing good for Ellana already.   
  


* * *

  
  
With training finally over, Cassandra, Cullen, Cole, Cullen's mabari "Pup", and myself are gathered around an early evening fire. It's been a long day with only short breaks, and I'm certain I'll feel the effects for the next few days. Cassandra is a strict teacher, but an efficient one.   
  
"Your posture still needs work, but your grip has improved. Remember to mind the distance from the pommel, find the center that works best for you, and make it better. Aim with the tip of the blade, and slash with your whole back." Advice like that had been a bit overwhelming at first, but I already feel the difference. The sweat clings to me, and I ache for a bath... for a few moments of peace and solitude, but I'm grateful for this calmness with friends. My gaze turns up toward the stars, many hidden behind scattered clouds, though the view is beautiful all the same.   
  
Do you see the same sky, Solas? Do you feel the same air? Hear the same cries from wildlife? Are you thinking of me now, while I think of you? Are you safe? I feel my heart sink as I ask these silent questions to the stars and know that I'll receive no answer.   
  
"I should be retiring soon - I'll need to ride out early if I am to make it to the nearest down before nightfall tomorrow. Thank you for having me, Lavellan. It has been good to see you, Cullen and Cole. Take care, should I not see you in the morning before my departure, and do not hesitate to contact me should you need anything else. You will always have my support, as well as the support of the Seekers. Such as they are." Cassandra stands from the fire, giving a final pet to Pup and wave to us before leaving. We bid her a goodnight, and Cole stands shortly after   
  
"She doesn't know where to make room. They're all very old." His head dips down further than normal, hiding his face behind the brim of his hat. "I'll find you when you need to sleep. Unless you find me." Cullen and I wave goodbye as he all but disappears into the house after Cassandra, and then it's just the three of us in the cool night air with the crackling of the fire.   
  
"It's been a long day... will you be retiring soon as well?" Cullen's voice is gentle, not probing, simply curious. Perhaps a bit tentative. Sometimes he seems so nervous around me, though I can't tell if it's because of my missing arm, the events surrounding Solas, or the uncertainty around my recent lack of title.   
  
"Soon, yes. Though I'd like to enjoy the night for a bit longer first. And if I may, I'd like to ask you something." If Cullen were a cat, his ears would have perked. He sits just a bit more at attention, blinks just a few times too many.   
  
"Of course, what is it?"   
  
"You've always been..." I take a moment to pick the right word, tapping a finger on my lower lip. "Less than Orlesian in social grace." At that, he scoffs a brief laugh. "But lately, I feel as if you've got more on your mind with even less to say. Have I... offended you somehow? Or do you feel as though you have to maintain some distance? I consider you a friend, and while I know I've been a bit distant myself, I hope I don't make you feel as if you can't be open with me."   
  
There's silence for a time, aside from nature and the fire. He doesn't answer, whether because he's thinking or because he has no desire to, I can't quite tell. He simply stares into the fire, and I watch as the light dances across his face, twisted into a rather serious, contemplative expression.   
  
"You don't offend me, my lady. I suppose, then, I would have to say that I feel as if I need to maintain some distance. With everything you've been through... all of the changes and hardships you've endured, I suppose I feel it my duty to offer some semblance of normalcy. Perhaps I've been a bit off, or I've seemed strange when we speak, but I assure you that it's no fault of your own." Isn't it, though? He pities me, he must. The poor archer lost her lover for a second time as well as her arm. She lost her title, her holdings, her status... her comrades, and even her clan. I laugh bitterly despite myself.  
  
"Yes, I suppose I must seem pathetic. It only makes sense that you would have to dance around conversation topics to avoid further wounding my injured ego." Yet Cullen stands then, and there's a look on his face that I can't place.  
  
"It isn't that at all." Determined? Wounded? "It's true that I'm careful in how I speak to you, but it's only because I don't want to hurt you, not because I think you some weak and fragile damsel. You've been through so much, it's impossible to imagine the burden and aches you must be carrying, and I only wish I could do more to aid you. Yet all I'm capable of is minding my tongue to not make those pains worse." His fists are clenched as he speaks, though once he finishes and finally looks at me, it's as if something in him settles and all the tension melts away.   
  
"I... Cullen, you couldn't make this worse." I'm unsure what to say, in truth. Unable to look him in the eyes in fear of showing him just how wounded and vulnerable I've truly become. I was once so eager and curious... so naive and carefree. My heart weighs heavy now, despite how fragile it feels.   
  
"So you say." He comments softly as he rounds the fire, sitting down next to me. His eyes are still on me, I feel them even as I take my turn to stare into the fire. "I know I'm no master wordsmith. I'm no writer, nor scholar... I'm a solider. I fight battles, yet this is a battle I can only watch you fight from afar. Perhaps it's foolish of me, but I worry what might happen to you should you lose. Not against Solas or any authority, but against yourself." My fingers curl into the log I'm sitting on, nails digging into the dead bark. I don't want to hear this. I can't. "I dread to think what would become of you if you give in to this, Lavellan. I see what it's done to you already, and all the sword training in Thedas can't do a thing aside from distract you momentarily."   
  
"Cullen, just..." my hand uncurls, slowly and painfully from my joints having locked. Fingers raise, tugging my hair free from the string so that it might hide my face. "I am fine. You need not worry what will become of me, I will always be what I am." These pains not even Cole can heal. I will keep this ache close, it's all I have left of him.   
  
"You were once so much more." My eyebrows furrow at that, anger making me turn to finally face him. How dare he? "I don't mean your title, or your combat ability, before you raise a hand to slap me." His own hands raise, palms toward me in surrender. My muscles relax, no longer poised to lash out. For now, I simply manage to look into his eyes in search of sincerity.   
  
"What, then?"   
  
"You were... I don't know, brighter. More energetic. There was something about you that was unstoppable, a force not even a dragon could reckon with. Now, you seem so fragile that a strong wind could topple you." His tone and expression are sad, wistful even. He doesn't pity me, he truly does wish he could help. "It isn't you, Lavellan. This... this phase you're going through, what you feel right now? This isn't you. And there will come a day where it will pass, and you will rise from these ashes stronger than you were before."   
  
His hand lifts, dirty and sweaty from his gloves, to push some of the hairs from my face behind my ear, forcing me to look at him even more clearly. Or perhaps to allow him a proper look at me.   
  
"I don't want to be forward, nor do I want to push you in any direction you aren't ready and willing for. I'm just... I hope I can help, and I hope that you will tell me if there's anything you need." There's a gentleness to him in this lighting. Under these stars, this cloudy sky. A chill runs up my neck, and I stand and turn toward the house.  
  
"I will... keep it in mind." His sincerity is overwhelming. This level of concern and care, I'm not prepared for it. Already, I feel tears stinging at my eyes. This isn't fair to Cullen for me to wish it were Solas sitting there, comforting me. It isn't fair to Solas for me to be thankful for this warmth I could only feel in the wake of this pain. "Thank you. Good night, Cullen."  
  
I don't hear him respond if he does, I simply walk at a brisk pace toward my room, avoiding the sound of conversation between Cole and Cassandra. I don't hear footsteps behind me. I don't see my door open as I lay in bed later that night. I don't feel the soreness in my upper arm or feet, nor the bruises on my shoulders. I don't know what to feel or think. The only thing my mind can process is how sad his eyes looked as he reached for me.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay!! I don't know when the next chapter will be up, but I do already have an idea for it so hopefully it's within the month. Thank you all so far for your interest!!


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